I’m currently on my midterm so it’s pretty stressful for me already, but there are just some things going on in my life that add into that stress. This may be my “most negative” post to date since I started this blog, but I just need a platform to write down the things on my mind because honestly, it has been real hard for me to handle.
If you’re not interested in this kind of post, I totally understand and you can skip this post if you want. I may post a drama review in one or two weeks depending on how much time I have left after I’m done with my midterm so stay tuned for that. If you have any drama recommendations for me to watch, please leave them down below, I will highly appreciate it 🙂
So, yeah I’m trying my best not to make this post too personal so it can actually be more relatable to those of you who are actually reading this.
I will start by telling you that my life is currently a real mess at the moment. Sure, my overthinking mind might play a big part in it. But still, I’m at the point where I’m just confused with my life. And I don’t feel like living at all, for the past month I feel like I’m an emotionless/heartless creature that just wake up to function every day. I don’t even feel sad or feel the need to cry to release all this confusing emotions inside me. I feel nothing, honestly, despite knowing that everything is not in its right place.
March has been such an interesting month for me. At the beginning of the month, I felt truly happy.. Something I had not felt in a real long time. I re-discovered a passion of mine since I was a child, that I kind of buried throughout the years for some reasons. It felt so amazing that I got to embrace it once again after around 10 years or so. It truly felt amazing.
I was actually planning on making a post talking all about passion and stuff, but I hadn’t had a chance to do it and the storm came through and wiped everything away, well, kinda.
If I were to describe my feelings at the moment, it’s probably that I feel lonely, more than ever. It’s not that I don’t have people that care for me, I know I do. But I just feel trapped in my own so-called universe where nobody can actually see/get through. Gosh, I try my best not to cry while writing all these down but I just couldn’t contain myself. It’s not easy for me to admit all this, as you know, I hate showing my vulnerability and weaknesses to others. I usually keep all this only for myself to see.
Well, back to what I was saying. Some of you may say that I have an ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), I have done some reading regarding the issue, but I don’t think it’s what I’m dealing with. I don’t even like being in the center of attention or receiving any sort of “attention” by others. I like being low-key in my personal space without anyone come or disturbing me. It was when I feel truly at peace and happy, I guess?
For that reason, a week ago I kinda drew a line with some of my closest people and I can see how I hurt them with my decision. But I need to prioritise myself first seriously, I feel so much at ease after doing that.
And for those of you who started to assume things about me, well, no, I’m not suicidal. I don’t want to die or anything like it, I’m just freaking confused with my life at the very moment. I mentioned about how I rediscovered my passion earlier, and for two weeks or so it became my only drive each day. Despite everything else being blurry and all over the place, I still had something to look forward to. Something that I want to do every single day, but things have been pretty bumpy lately that made me became even more confused, more with myself. Doesn’t mean that I’m giving up though, I know this is something that I want to do, something that I always want to love doing and I will work it more than anything else.
For the past month, I also learnt that I somehow have different sort of priority in my life compared to people around me. I thought that I was just weird at the beginning, but after talking to some people that I trust, I learnt that it’s okay, everyone moves at a different pace and direction in life. I stopped self-blaming and learnt to accept myself the way I am. In case you’re curious, the thing I’m talking about is relationship. One month ago, I’m still at the state of confusion, I was being swayed in two directions, but now I can say confidently that it’s not what I want nor something/someone I’m ready for/to be at the moment. I won’t get into details because it’s a bit too personal, but I have my reasons for it. A friend reminded me one night, about my dreams. I realised that I kinda “forgot” about them for a moment because of many things going on in my life. I cried real hard that night.. How can I forgot about things that I consider as my “everything” in life for some things that are not even relevant at this point?
Lastly, if there is one thing you can benefit from this post, please let it be this one:
No matter how crazy the storm in your life is at the moment, don’t ever let yourself forget things that you love, it can be your passion, your family, your lover, etc. For me personally, my passions triumph over everything. I learnt it the hard way, but the moment you let those things go, you will be left alone in the dump. It’s something important that I want everyone, including myself to always keep in mind no matter what.
I’m not saying that my life is getting better as I’m writing this, it hasn’t yet. But I just want to keep on moving, to the right direction, and trust the process. It’s real hard actually.. That I once thought maybe I should just give up and let everything go, but I don’t think I can ever do that. So, good for me that I have this kind of personality I guess.
Real depression is when you stop loving the things you love.